theladylib (theladylib) wrote in pro_adult_ana,

Sorry for the frequent posts.. all two of them

I'm down five pounds from last week, so this is encouraging - but this will be a weekend of photographs and I want to hide.

I made myself a cup of hot, plain chai tea (just the bag) - I used to drink it all the time. I like it best when it's over-brewed and very spicy. The smell reminds me of when I'd start my mornings with it and a pile of vitamins and diet pills.. sitting in front of my computer screen for hours, scrolling through the endless journal feed of girls posting their stats, what they ate for the day, asking for encouragement and to be heard. Funny how smells can trigger such memories and emotions.

I need to drink more tea. (Although, my dentist warns black tea promotes kidney stone formation.)

What is everyone planning for the weekend? My focus is on carbohydrates right now. I find that if I eat below 20 carbs, it keeps my calories in check more than attempting a specific calorie goal. I felt, the other day, that I was eating very complete, healthy meals - only focusing on carbs - and when I looked at the calorie count, it came to about 800. That was WITH eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack. The worst was that I wanted to compensate at the end of the day.. consume an extra 400 in wine (which I'm aware is mostly carbs) just because I knew it'd be an easy buzz and put me to bed.

I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch today. Scheduled for 11:15 and she didn't even leave her office until 11:30, so I had to cancel to make it back to work on time. I was partly annoyed, only because it made me feel a little dismissed, but then pleased because it just meant eating a plain salad, no judgment.

Making a five hour drive with the family in the morning.. so hopefully I can get by with just coffee. We always stop at McDonalds first thing, since we leave around 5am and need coffee. Then we usually stop halfway once the little one needs breakfast. I will just get more coffee. We're staying with my parents, though - and not only does my mom love cooking (a LOT OF COOKING) but she is a big food pusher. I was struggling with food a lot this past year (emotional eating, alcohol dependency) and two weeks ago was 1 lb overweight (now 144.5lb at 5'5 - which is still very heavy for me, I know). SO, hopefully she lays off a little bit, knowing that I've been struggling.

I think I need to start seeing a therapist again. I've been looking for a new (better) job nearer family, since I just finished my masters - I want to buy a house, have another kid.. but I'm struggling to find anything within my desired pay range. My husband is taking a very long time completing his thesis for his masters.. and his student loans just keep climbing in interest. Over $130k so far. Which is essentially a house. It's all overwhelming... and the longer this gets put off, the longer I am waiting before having another child. I don't want to have this huge age gap between our first and second and it's just been agonizing. Sometimes I am numb to it. Numb to my failures. Other times it is completely consuming and I just cry and am absolutely horrible to be around.

I suppose that's enough for now. If you bothered to read.. thank you.
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