theladylib (theladylib) wrote in pro_adult_ana,

Sorry I'm posting now (but never do) - though, I do read everyone's posts.

I used to be very active on these LJ communities (like everyone else, I guess) - I guess life and things get in the way. Not that activity on Livejournal is terribly important, but at one point it used to be my life and my go-to when I felt I had nobody. I actually met my best friend on one of these communities in 2006. I stood up in her wedding this past May.

I'm a mom now. I'm 30. I have a good job. Master's degree. I just feel like I will never get over this. Like I'll never outgrow this mentality - this relationship with food.

I started this morning with coffee and sunshine. In the back of my mind thinking "feeling empty feels so good!" - and feeling the instant shame hoping that my daughter never knows this. It still didn't make me eat breakfast. Mapping out family meals for the day - I log each calorie into MyFitnessPal, with the intention of eating only when other people are seeing me, and even then, just picking. Claiming I'm satisfied. Had a big lunch. We had snacks at work today! They gave us cupcakes! I shouldn't even be eating dinner!

Why is it so satisfying, even with all of the guilt?
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